The news that Donald Trump might visit Australia in November en route to the APEC summit in Papua New Guinea has some in Australia salivating and others ready to run riot in the streets. The most polarising president in US history is set to have a similar effect if he does land Air Force One into Brisbane or Sydney.
On one side of local politics his visit will be a clarion call for everybody from One Nation and Reclaim Australia to the Shooters, Shitters and Shaggers, spurred on no doubt by the demagogues of Sky News. Think of the enthusiasm and excitement on the part of the ‘politically incorrect’ with the Milo Yiannopoulos tour late last year and multiply it a thousand times for the pussy grabbing Trump.
Diametrically opposed will be the combined forces of the left and anybody in fact who can see through the veneer of the man whom The Atlantic magazine described as “a Frankenstein’s monster of past presidents’ worst attributes”. If security was intense for George W Bush when he visited in 2003, it’s bound to hit new levels of paranoia if Trump ever sets foot in town.
Any demonstration is like to be well segregated and nothing like the infamous LBJ motorcade in 1966 when the then premier, the horribly corrupt Bob Askin, shouted to “run over the bastards”. Malcolm Turnbull will be keen to play the diplomatic hand and careful stage managing is certain to insulate Trump from any outrage in the streets.
That’s not to say there won’t be a huge turnout of demonstrators, all across Australia, if Trump does bring his circus to Australia. But perhaps the anti-Trump alliance needs to think slightly outside of the square as they register their disgust and anger. What I am suggesting is a bit of good old toilet Oz style humour, duplicated on a massive scale throughout the community and bound to have the Trump supporters crying foul and juvenile.
One of the many novelty products that appeared after the Trump election was ‘Trump toilet paper’, emblazoned with a variety of his less flattering facial images (aren’t they all?). The ever entrepreneurial Chinese were quick to see the potential market and you could soon pick up a six or twelve pack for less than $20 including postage.
And that’s what I am encouraging all Trump haters to do, not only in the interests of China/Australia trade, but as a delightfully subversive way of repeating what Robert De Niro so eloquently said “FUCK OFF TRUMP!” Once you get your supply of Trump dunny paper in the mail it’s only limited by your creativity as to where you cunningly position it.
If you have access to the toilets at Parliament House in Canberra, those at Liberal Party HQ in Sydney or anywhere where the conservative forces are at large, it’s time to do the switch. Simply remove all the existing toilet paper and replace it with the Trump variety. Don’t worry, this is not theft as you are leaving (in kind) exactly what you take.
Chances are those using the convenience will not notice the switch until it’s far too late. In the interests of good sanitary practice you know what’s coming – need I go into any graphic details? The deed has been done and your protest has been registered. Come on all fair thinking Australians – Trump is coming and we need to flood the joint with Trump Bum Fodder. Melania might ‘not really care’, but we do and it’s a date roll for Donald!